So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
