im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
