dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
My ass is underappreciated
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
