my mouth tastes like poor choices
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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