And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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