piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
FUCK WHALES
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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