i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize