I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
