I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
