I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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