I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
