When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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