i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
