Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
