Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
