I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
