It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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