there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
