I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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