she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
