Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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