Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
