He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
