I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize