I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
