You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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