When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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