Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
