I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
