3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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