I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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