Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
