he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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