3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
