dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
