i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize