I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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