My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
