remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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