apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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