was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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