The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
pop tarts are not kleenex
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
this hospital has no fireball
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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