I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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