i just sent this text using only my big toe
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
