I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
