Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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