Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
