DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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