I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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