My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
