So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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