the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
