just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
