i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
