New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
it's like iHOP with fire
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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