Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
