"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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