I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You just made me feel so damn special
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
